Light Bulbs

He sat throwing light bulbs against the wall. The room was empty and he felt small. Bare white walls surrounded him on all sides. They were pockmarked with history and each scar told a story he knew intimately. Every time a light bulb hit the wall it exploded and the pieces sparkled in the sunlight for a split second. That single split second moment was pure beauty. There was a three inch scratch in the middle of the north wall from when a picture fell in the middle of the night. The frame cracked and the glass shattered when it hit the ground. Together they woke up startled and confused and laughed as they cleaned up the pieces in the former light of one of his current projectiles. The pile of fragile white glass began to pile up against the baseboard. Glittering in the sunlight it reminded him of snow and the winters they would spend hibernating against the harsh winter of the city. As he looked around the empty room he saw more stories he knew. There were scuffs on the floor from frequently moved furniture. There was a crack in the doorframe from when they moved in and he misjudged the width of the door. He threw another light bulb and indulged in the sound of the glass meeting the wall. He heard the front door open and the footsteps coming down the hall and paid them no mind. His best friend appeared in the doorway and watched him for a few minutes before finally breaking the silence that had been suffocating him all day.

“Did you take every light bulb from around the house?” his friend asked him.

“I took some from the basement,” he said without taking his eyes of the glass pile on the floor, “I found a couple in a closet too.”

“Ok,” his friend responded, “but why did you take them all?”

“I don’t know,” he said, “I didn’t know what else to do.”

“She’s gone man,” his friend leaned against the doorframe, “I’m sorry, but you need to accept it.”

“Fuck you,” he said emotionlessly as he threw another light bulb.

“Yeah I’m the asshole,” his friend crossed his arms, “you’re the one that wasn’t there today.”

“What,” he finally looked at his friend, “to say goodbye to her? I had better things to do.”

“This?” his friend pointed to the glass on the floor.

“Yeah this,” he said reaching for another light bulb.

“Seems like a healthy way to deal with things,” his friend sighed.

“Go to Hell. Why are you here?”

“Because no one knew where you were,” his friend adjusted the sleeve of his sweatshirt, “and of all people you should’ve been there today. How did you even get in here?”

“I have a key,” he said calmly, “I did live here.”

“I know,” his friend said, “so why weren’t you there today?”

“How did you know I’d be here?”

“Because I knew there was nowhere else you would be. Stop avoiding the question.”

“I can’t say goodbye to her. Not like that.”

The sun was starting to set and the light made the little pile of broken light bulb glass appear as though it was on fire. He sat in the same place he had all day, unwilling to move. His friend still stood in the doorway, leaning on the doorframe, trying to figure it all out. Together they sat in silence as the sun finally slipped under the horizon. The empty room was dark with some light from the street drifting through the windows.

“It’s getting dark man,” his friend said from the doorway, “let’s go somewhere and talk about this.”

“She loved the dark,” he said from the floor while crying, “she always used to say how she felt safe and comfortable in the dark, like she was wrapped up in a blanket.”

“Is that why you’re breaking all the light bulbs?”

“Maybe she’ll be happier if it’s always dark in here,” he said throwing another light bulb, “I can’t stand her being gone.”

“I know,” his friend closed his eyes and sighed, “but if you miss her why weren’t you there today?”

“Fine!” a light bulb hit the wall with more force than usual, “you want to know the truth? I didn’t want to see her like that. I wanted to remember her for who she was. I didn’t want my thoughts of her tarnished with the image of her all made up and fake. I want to remember the sound of her laugh, the way she walked, how her skin felt at night, not stiff and awkward while everyone gathers around and pretends they knew her half as well as I did.”

“But-“

“No,” he cut off his friend, “there is no ‘but.’ I know what you’re going to say. I loved her, she loved me, it was important I be there, but I couldn’t do it. I tried to go, I really did, I sat in the car for an hour before I started screaming at the steering wheel and crying. That’s when I came here.”

“You’ll never see her again,” his friend said plainly.

“No shit,” he said staring at where he thought the glass pile was, “you think I’m not aware of what happened? You think I’ve blocked out the past few days? It’s all I think about!”

“Which is why you should’ve come this morning.”

“What’s done is done,” he said feeling around for another light bulb, “I can’t change anything.”

“You’re just afraid,” his friend said accusingly.

“Afraid of what!?” he was crying again, “admitting she’s dead? I know that and I’m reminded everyday. Every morning she’s not there, every night I sleep alone, every time I don’t see her name on my phone, I remember what happened. I relive it a dozen times a day. I know I couldn’t have stopped the accident from happening, but I still blame myself. What if she had left just a few minutes later or a few minutes earlier? What if the stoplights had been timed differently? What if the guy that hit her hadn’t left his house that night? It’s nothing I could’ve controlled, but I can’t make sense of it. I don’t understand why it had to happen. I can still hear the doctor’s voice on the phone. I can still see her lying in the hospital bed, all those tubes running in and out of her, her face and body swollen and bruised. None of you saw her like that because I didn’t want you to. Hell I didn’t want to see her like that, but I knew I had to be there for her.”

“But you couldn’t be there for her today?”

“No, I couldn’t,” he admitted with tears on his face, “we were going to spend the rest of our lives together.”

The last light bulb sailed through the air and shattered against the wall while he wept in the darkness.

2012